Star Trek

MEMO: Federation Dress Requirements Update

Per the United Federation of Planet's Starfleet Quartermaster Report 2369.623 new uniforms for crew will be issued over the next 6 Earth months and destributed to all star bases for retrieval for starships on mission. Starships will retrieve the new uniforms during the regular resupply schedule. The uniforms, in conforming with the styles for crew identifying as female, standard work uniforms for men shall be short shorts with the following dimensions:

Star Trek: Arena

The Gorn capitain somewhere in the California desert

Federation outpost Cestus III has been destroyed. Kirk, Bones, McCoy and three other guys of no consequence beam down on the planet. Spock identifies cold-blooded life forms. Kirk and Spock use blue bocce balls as improvised grenades. A lone survivor, covered in silly putty, relates the story of the attack on the outpost. Has the Enterprise been drawn into a trap? This episode explores deep questions such as What makes humans unique? What is the Gorn? What can't latext do?

Star Trek: And the Children Shall Lead

Boy with many freckles and a little girl

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

The late King Hamlet of Denmark has mind control over children from United Colors of Benetton. The oldest boy is Tommy, who has many freckles. Kirk, who isn’t dead after all, discovers that Tommy has a lot of freckles. Really, it’s like his face is orange. You’ve got to see this kid. Anyway the kids are all orphans because Hamlet, Sr. caused their parents to kill themselves from generalized anxiety disorder.  The children are some of the best actors in the series. Tommy has freckles.

Star Trek: The Paradise Syndrome

A white actress portrays a Native American woman. William Shatner looks on.

7 PM Friday, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy, and Spock beam down in Northern California. They need to deflect an asteroid or something. Dr. McCoy continues to shout during even normal conversation. Kirk is murdered by peaceful natives, who do not appear to have command of their own language. A Federation inquest determines that sending the most valuable members of the command crew on away teams is a very bad idea. Will Kirk be killed more?

Star Trek: Bread and Circuses

Spock and McCoy in a jail cell

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, McCoy and Spock land on a planet almost identical to the Earth, save for the Roman Empire remained in power into the 20th century. Will the sexual tension between McCoy and Spock finally be resolved? Will there be an awkward reference to Christianity? Tune in to find out!

Star Trek: Return to Tomorrow

Kirk and Mulhall are about to kiss.

Brilliant, but bodyless beings speak as through reverb. They take over the bodies of Kirk, Spock, and Dr. Ann Mulhall. Will Kirk and Ann kiss? Will the reverb continue throughout the show? Will the captain be murdered? Can disembodied minds survive in human bodies without kissing. Specifically the bodies of Kirk and Mulhall? Will we learn of the theatrical notion of Deus ex machina? Tune in on Friday at 7 PM, Channel 5

Star Trek: The Gamesters of Triskelion

Kirk stands next to alien slave woman he later kisses.

Friday, 7 PM, Channel 5

Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov are kidnapped into slavery by multicolored disembodied brains who like to gamble on gadiatorial games. A creepy fellow who has a built-in reverb speaks instructions from the brains in stilted English. Kirk proves to the brains that they have confused humans with chimpanzees. Kirk kisses a silver bikini-clad slave woman.

Star Trek: The Immunity Syndrome

The Enterprise enters a red goopy field that represents the amoeba

Friday, 7 PM. Channel 5. 

An enormous single-celled organism threatens the crew and possibly the galaxy. Will Kirk pull a clever solution out of his butt at the last minute?  Will Scotty protest that the ship can't handle it? Will Spock risk his life for logical reasons that annoy Dr. McCoy? Tune in to find out. 

Star Trek: A Private Little War

Kirk and plush toy fight

Friday, 7PM, Channel 5

Klingons have introduced flintlock rifles to the peaceful humanoids of Neural, most of whom wear ridiculous wigs. Kirk battles a giant plush toy with poison fangs. A sexy woman seduces Kirk with herbs. Will Spock recover from a pierced liver?

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